Hogwart's Academy of Higher Learning
by Mental Sage
Summary: Harry Potter lives in a normal world with normal people and normal schools. No magic here. However, even in alternate universes, major events in a person's life will happen to the same degree.
1. Default Chapter

It was the first day of September. The day was hot. That's an understatement. The day was scorching. The line of lawns that was normally emerald green was now yellowish. The trees began to shift into autumn prematurely, as they looked dehydrated and in need of a plant hospital. Even the cats owned by the batty old neighbor were inside, as opposed to prowling around looking for edible treats.

Some of the inhabitants of the street known as Privet Drive found creative ways to beat the summer heat. Mr. Hong and his wife (both engineers in different fields) created a rather loud but electricity-effective device to cool themselves down with. Like all of the residents, they had no problem showing it off. They pitched up a clear tent and put the nozzle of the device in through the door flaps. The Hongs were obviously very chilly as they wore coats to show how cold they were.

Mr. Pedbit and his wife sat under the great oak in the middle of their yard and meditated. They gave off shivers from time to time. The Crednolia kids had each other. They threw water balloons and shot water guns. Their mother seemed to encourage this. One neighbor swore that he heard her say something about it making the lawn greener.

The only thing that was hotter than the day was the jet-black spiky hair that was on the head of a sixteen-year-old bespectacled boy named Harry Potter. He bit his tongue between his teeth as he styled it in a way that it went every-which way. He admired his reflection. He then tisked. The glasses.

He decided that his old glasses were a bit too… juvenile. He gave in to the pressure put on him by his uncle Vernon. ("If I brought them, I'd be damned if you didn't wear them!" he yelled earlier on.) He decided not to test his uncle, so he put on the new golden wire-framed things. They were thin and not very useful—he could still see around the outer edges of them. He shrugged and walked downstairs. Wearing a white T-shirt and matching, nearly sheer pants, he presented himself to his Aunt Petunia.

Her attitude may not have been the most… desirable of them, but she did dish out the _constructive_ criticism that Harry needed. She also had a keen eye for modern fashion. She finished putting all of the dishes into the dishwasher and stood at her full height to look at him. Her eyes traveled up and down him before she stroked her chin.

"Well done," was her response. Harry was taken aback. He was used to her criticizing him in each and every way possible. He was used to being told that his pants were too loose or tight, or that the shirt didn't go with the shoes, or something that he could never figure out. But not this. "I finally taught you something about high-fashion. And none too soon. You'll be going to high school and all and… it's just so…" She wiped a tear from her eye. Harry would have told her that it was his sophomore year, but it would have ruined the mood. He smiled and walked out of the kitchen, hoping that she hadn't caught her error in time.

"So, the ickle Potter is going to Hogwarts Academy _again_ this year," jeered Dudley Dursley, Harry's cousin and son of Petunia and Vernon. "What did you do? Cheat on standardized tests to stay? You ought to have gone to Smeltings. At least there you'd get the discipline you deserve."

"Well I hear there is a school for pigs to learn to walk on their hind legs somewhere in Wales," Harry retorted. "I'd recommend you for it, but you'd be passing the course with flying colors before it begins—considering that you can walk, talk _and_ use your hooves like human hands."

The overweight boy looked most disgusted. "You're just sad because I'm going to a boarding school and you wont have anyone here to teach you to become a man."

Harry stopped himself from flinching. It wasn't intended, but Dudley had made a reference to his deceased parents. When he was but a year old, a corporate giant dubbed Voldemort (who was known for illegal, underground businesses) had his parents killed. His aunt and uncle had always told him that it was a car crash that killed Lily and James Potter. Ironically, it was. Although, it was staged, there was no evidence proving it, it _only_ killed James.

In the summer before Harry went to sixth grade, he was approached by a giant of a man who told him all about it. This man was Rubeus Hagrid. He explained it all. His rough version of the rumours anyway. Especially the mystery of the lightning bolt scar on his head. Apparently, after one of Voldemort's Death Eaters (what the police dubbed his minions) committed a kamikaze driving, Voldemort himself went for the daycare in which Harry Potter was being held. Little did he know that Lily had gotten into an argument with James earlier that evening so she left to pick up Harry on her own.

By the time she arrived, his trusty mechanically enhanced pistol took the life of every living being. Somehow, Harry survived. Hagrid believed that he was in the loo at the time. Lily rushed to protect him. Voldemort gave Lily the chance to join him. After hearing her refusal, he killed her. He turned his gun to Harry. Somehow, just before he pulled the trigger, Voldemort slipped up and the shot barely grazed Harry's forehead. The ricocheting of the bullet killed Voldemort. That was all Hagrid told him.

Harry once again remembered where he was. He abandoned his thoughts and came up with the first remark his mind could create. "At least my version of a man does not involve horseshoes and a tusk-protector."

Dudley scowled as did Harry. They were cousins at ends. Of course, they had happy times… Just not often. A school bus honked out front and Harry left through the front door, choosing to ignore the rest of his cousin's jeers.


	2. Chapter Two

Hours later, the bus stopped and Harry stepped off and onto the pavement below. He marveled at the beauty of the manor-like school before him. It was beautiful. He was so glad that he'd gotten to see this place after a long, boring summer. He was glad that his aunt and uncle made a turnaround. It could have been worse. Had Professor Moody not stopped by, Harry would have been cooking and washing dishes all summer long.

His face lit up once he saw his friends Ron and Hermione. Harry figured that she stayed at the Order's headquarters along with Ron over the summer. The Order of the Phoenix was a secret business that served as an anti-Voldemort force. The Order members consisted of corporate spies and executives. He, Ron, and Hermione had done so much more than they had, yet they could not join.

In their first year in Hogwarts (sixth grade), they defeated a killer-robot that threatened to kill Hermione. They helped Hagrid hatch a bird that was illegal to Europe. They ventured into the forest behind the school to protect a school riding horse despite the threat of being killed by the coyotes and wild horses that lived there. And they defeated the rough-clone of Voldemort who came back to try to bring the original back to full power with the help of the Secretary's Stapler.

In their second year, they concocted a difficult chemistry solution that only a senior should have been able to create. They ventured back into the forest and were confronted by a dangerous mutated man who was referred to as Aragog. And in the end, Harry saved Ron's sister by fighting with a yardstick against the senior's class project – a giant snake that caused illness with its breath.

In their third year, they managed to discover that a mass murderer was innocent. They also found that he was Harry's godfather, Sirius. Harry fought off the IRS who sucked happiness from normal people. If given the chance, they would have sucked Sirius's soul due to his bad credit. They also saved Buckbeak the gene-spliced giant horsefly.

In their forth year, Harry had been entered in the TriEntrepreneur Tournament. He evaded taxes and managed to steal the false bill from under it. He answered the riddle of the bill and found himself swimming through formalities to save Ron from debt. He also saved a victim that was not his own. He then went through a maze of paperwork to get the TriEntrepreneur Penholder. With his reluctance, Voldemort's servant got Harry's fingerprint. Along with paperwork and some blood money, he brought his master back. Harry faced off with him in a battle of personal pens. Their pens held the same type of ink so they did not do well against each other.

In their fifth year, Harry led his friends through hell. First, Harry was called to the Ministry of Business for a disciplinary hearing for using businesscraft underage. He then had many paperwork battles with his Business in the Real World teacher, Delores Umbridge. He and his friends fought pen to pen with the Death Eaters. Sirius was killed when a well-placed inkblot from his cousin sent him through the Veil of Bankruptcy. He then learned the truth of why Voldemort wanted to kill him as a baby. It turned out that a prophecy was made about him by a television psychic. Either he or Voldemort would rule the corporate world. Either bankrupt or be bankrupted. There was no other way…

"So, how was your summer?" asked Harry as he approached Ron and Hermione. "Went well I hope?" Ron seemed to have grown at least an inch taller and Hermione's hair had gotten bushier.

"Oh," thought Ron, "it was well. Nothing much happened. Me and 'Mione made Moody go to your house and straighten out your aunt and uncle. Has it worked? Did they stop?"

Harry grinned and nodded vigorously. "Uncle Vernon even brought me new glasses. Thanks."

"No problem at all," Hermione chimed in. "Now about our relationship, this whole 'she dates me this week', 'she dates you next week' thing between you and Harry has to stop. I came up with the perfect solution to it all. You two turn bi-sexual and date me and the other. That way we'd be a nice threesome."

Ron and Harry look at her and then at each other. They moved their heads in and slightly spread their lips. A second later, they both laughed and looked at the expression on Hermione's face. It went from hopeful to furious in a second. "You could have at least kissed to see if you liked it!"

"Well," Harry sighed. "We decided that we didn't before we did. This way, umm… Ron'll tell you the rest. Go on Ron." "This way we keep our manhood. Besides, you're the best whore we've ever had. And we don't have to worry about diseases because it'll just be us."

Hermione's face scrunched up in disgust. She punched Ron and took off after Harry, who'd began to run to the school as fast as he could. Once there, they all slowed down and walked through the halls. This was the official day for all boarding schools to receive their students so classes weren't mandatory. They were beginning to come into Slytherin territory. They ignored that and hoped that there would be none of them around. They hoped wrongly.

"Potty, Weasel, and Bucktooth," came a malevolent voice from around the corner. It was oily and could only belong to Draco Malfoy. "What are you doing on Slytherin territory? Tell me truthfully and I wont give Potty here a demerit. He isn't a prefect, you know."

"Well if you must know, Ferret, we were coming in from outside," explained Ron with a cool tempter. "And FYI, in forth year, Hermione slipped on a stray ice cube and hit her teeth slab-dab on the banister. They sunk into her gums to look regular – so haha!"

"Oh, she did get her teeth fixed. I forgot to update my insult database. One sec," Malfoy took out a palm pilot and dabbed a few buttons with the pen. "Okay, how's Know-it-all?" Ron shook his head.

"I call her that all the time. Try Wormy. It shows her bookiness."

"No," said Harry, "it sounds kind of childish. Don't you think? How about just Granger?"

"Yeah," said Malfoy, "but it has to have a certain ring to it."

"Try it with malice in your voice." Harry demonstrated. "Granger!"

"_Granger_!"

"No, no, no. You have to add more inflection in your voice for the 'Gran'. Then you have to bring it on home with the 'ger'.

"_Granger_!" tried Malfoy.

"Granger!" demonstrated Harry.

"_Granger_!"

"Granger!"

"_Granger_!"

"Now you've got it Malfoy." Hermione's mouth was wide open looking as though she couldn't believe what was happening. "Oh perfect! Just look at her expression! Add an insult and you'll be quite all right!"

Malfoy took no time with his one-liner. "Close your mouth, you'd attract flies – not that beetles haven't begun to nest in your hair. Krum was quick to catch it before infestation, right _Granger_?" Malfoy tuned on heel and walked away.

"WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT!" yelled Hermione. "You taught him how to insult me—both of you!"

"I know! It was great wasn't it?" asked Harry as they continued on their trek to the Gryffindor wing of the castle.

"Well, at least Harry couldn't insult at Malfoy's level, eh Ron?" said Hermione oily. "He actually dumbed Malfoy down."

They both laughed. Harry's face went crimson. "That's what I was trying to do. You see, I was tired of him nagging you and—"

"Oh, shut it Potter. Just admit you were wrong. If you'd like, me and Ron will go teach you to insult in one of the unused classroom." Harry nodded. It was easier to insult mugsters (non-businessmen or poser businessmen like the Dursleys).


End file.
